Relationship can be a source of suffering or it can be a source of
incredible joy and fulfillment. Creating a passionate relationship can be an
ultimate way to become a better person and experience profound happiness. The
two key aspects that make a difference to the quality of one’s relationships
are the way conflicts are handled and the way love and/or passion is
constantly developed. Generally, couples are at their best during the initial
stages of their relationships when they may feel deep love and passion, and
they automatically focus on meeting the others needs. Many couples find that
the passion gradually begins to dissipate over time and consequently many
people believe that this is a natural part of the process in intimate
relationships.
Fortunately the real truth is that relationships can get better and
more passionate over time or can be rejuvenated. You can make a difference
even if you are the only one in your relationship making
the changes.
My views have been influenced by authors, speakers, and/or
therapists such as Tony Robbins, Dr. John Gottman, and Michele Weiner-Davis.
I believe they are among the most proficient experts who understand the
underlying patterns of successful and unsuccessful relationships, and know
ways to shift the disempowering patterns. For instance, Dr. Gottman through
his "love laboratory" research and clinical experience with couples can
predict with 90% accuracy whether couples will divorce or stay together based
on how they their relationship patterns.
Below are some important tips on creating passionate
relationships. I have included videos
(from you tube) of Dr. John Gottman, Michele Weiner-Davis, and Tony
Robbins, on relationships. Please note that I am not associated with any
advertisement that shows on the you tube videos.
Write down your ideal relationship
vision
Write down the type of relationship you really want. Describe the
details of the qualities, love, passion, intimacy, and fun as well as what you
will or would like to see, hear, feel, and say when you achieve your
relationship vision. Also make note of your reasons for achieving the
relationship you want, that is, why achieving the relationship you envision is
important to you. Writing down compelling reasons for your vision makes it more
forceful and provides drive for pursuing it.
Be honest about where you are at
present
Regardless of the quality of your current relationship, the good news
is that you can have a profoundly fulfilling and passionate relationship or
create such a relationship. The first step is honestly acknowledging where you
are at in your relationship.
Tony Robbins outlines the possible positions you may be at including
having no relationship and not wanting one perhaps due to fears or hurts you may
have experienced; wanting a relationship but holding; wanting to leave a
relationship because it is no longer working out; having a relationship with
little love or passion which makes it ok but not good enough; having love but no
passion where you feel love for your partner but little or no passion; or having
a relationship with phenomenal love and passion.
One of the main reasons why relationships fail is due to lack of
intimacy. This is a result of gradual buildup from little
things.Tony and Sage talk about how initial negative states if not taken
care of can build up, influence one's perception in a negative way leading to
resistance, resentments, feelings of rejection, and finally
repression.
Acknowledging where you are at will allow you to make changes,
prevent further breakdown, and make progress. Listen to Tony and Sage as they
talk about relationship stressors:
Dispel harmful relationship myths
People may accept certain myths that pervade society such as it is
normal for couples to lose passion over time and that they cannot "fall in
love" again. Another myth is that great relationships have fair “give and
take” pattern to it. Yet another myth is that it takes two to work things out
otherwise the relationship is doomed to fail.
The truth is that there are couples who feel even more love and
passion as time goes. Great relationship have a pattern of giving a 100% to
meet their partner's needs in ways the partner wants it met. Also, one
partner can influence changes within the relationship by making appropriate
changes. This does not mean that great relationships do not have conflicts,
differences, or problems. The difference lies in the ways you respond to
conflicts and to meeting your partner’s needs. It is important to be aware of
what really breaks down a relationship and what strengthens a relationship so
you can take preventive measures.
Watch the video by Michele Weiner-Davis as she talks about ways
couples can fall back in love
In the following video Michele Weiner-Davis talks about the
situation when only one spouse wants to change a
relationship.
Become aware of beliefs, emotions, and habits that create
relationship breakdown
Our emotional states can influence what we focus on and how we
interprete events. If couples are begin holding negative emotions instead of
dealing with them then the emotions can pile up and influence negative
meaning towards one's partner.
See the video by Tony and Sage on how our negative emotional states
and misinterpretations as well as disempowering strategies to deal with our
negativity leads to further problems. The stacking of negativity leads to
lack of commitment. Couples then use seemingly plausible reasons to justify
their lack of commitment. Awareness of your negative responses are important
part in making changes and recommiting to doing your part full
out.
Dr. Gottman, as mentioned early on, has years of research and
clinical experience with couples. He discovered the helpful and hurtful
habitual patterns in response to conflict that set relationships up for
success or failure. He discovered the differences in patterns between what he
called the "Masters ans Disasters" of
relationships.
He found 4 negative responses which were consistently
utilized by Disasters of relationships. Dr. Gottman calls the responses
“the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse”:
Criticism (expressed as a "defect in the
partner"), Defensiveness (reaction to "ward
off personal attack"), Contempt (statement to
indicate your superiority and partners inferiority or"speaking down"), and
Stonewalling ("withdrawal" from conflict).
These responses caused a dramatic rise in negative emotions and
"flooding" and consequent breakdown in love and
passion.
See the following John Gottman’s videos on making your relationships
work:
In the first video he describes his research study with couples. He
also begins talking about "the Four Horsemen": Criticism, Defensiveness,
Contempt, and Stonewalling and explains how Masters of relationships
responded diferently to conflict than Disasters of
relationships.
Gottman. Level - 1
Develop mindset, skills, and qualities within you that will attract or
create the relationship you want.
This is the most exciting step of all because it puts
responsibility, power, and control in your hands to create the relationship
you want. First make it your priority to understand your partner’s needs and
find ways to meet them. Be passionate about finding out specific ways your
partner wants their needs met. Tony Robbins describes 6 human needs that
everyone attempts to meet but the each person is unique in the way they want
those needs met.
Build profound trust and admiration. Remember challenges are part of
life and relationship and you can use this fact to your benefit. Trust is
built during tough situations and not easy times. Decide to love no matter
what. Learn ways to ways to create empowering emotional states within
yourself so that you can respond in constructive ways instead of react to
your partner’s negative reactions. Recognize that people have a positive
underlying intent underneath even the worse behaviors. By understanding and
responding to the underlying needs that may be threatened you will have
tremendous trust and admiration. Becoming skilled in meeting your partner’s
needs in ways that they want satisfied and you can have a lover for
life.
In level 2 video of making your relationship work, Dr Gottman
continues to describe the four horsemen and ways Masters of relationships
maximize their attempts to "repair the interaction". The Disasters of
relationships tend to escalate and cause more damage. He explains that
conflicts and hurt are part of any relationships and the difference lies
in the effective process of repair. For instance, Disasters of relationships
will perceive criticism as a personal attack and quickly go on the defensive
by attacking, whereas Masters of relationships will utilize criticism by
getting a deeper understanding and meeting the partners
needs.
Dr Gottman explains that Masters of relationshionships continually
build "love maps" by getting to know their partners goals, dreams, mission,
and so forth; and they develop "fondness and admiration" by looking for what
is right and expressing their appreciation and affection.
Level 2 video
In level 3 Dr. Gottman explains how partners usually make "bids for
connection" to get attention from their partner, for instance, starting to
tell a story or a joke and so forth. These bids are expressed to meet a
certain need such as for connection, reassurance, and so forth. Masters of
relationships would "turn towards" their partners and pay attention to these
bids whereas Disasters of relationships would "turn away" by ignoring or
"turn against" by expressing annoyance. According to Dr. Gottman, many times
conflicts are not about the issue being discusse but have a deeper meaning
and history behind it. Getting the couples to discuss the underlying "hopes
and dreams" within conflicts can be an opportunity to develop a deeper
emotional connection and 'shared meaning".
The great news is that developing love maps,
fondness and admiration, and turning towards your partners bids are skills that
can be learned. They serve to enhance friendship and love, and increase romance
and intimacy.
Level 3
In level four video, Dr Gottman takes questions
from the audience.
See this fun video by Tony and Sage on "your most embarrasing
moments" and appreciating and cultivating your relationship
If you found the information useful and want to
take your relationship to the next level make sure you get Dr. John
Gottman's "seven principles of making marriage work" and Tony Robbins
"Ultimate Relationship Program"
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