Yes You Can Create an
Outstanding Level of Love, Intimacy, & Passion in Your
Relationship
You can take your relationship to the next level
- regardless of the position you are in - whether you have a great
relationship, are contemplating leaving your partner, or are single and
want to get into a
relationship.
Let's begin by watching a short video by Tony
Robbins on the value of mastering your emotions in
relationships.
As you continue reading the tips and watching
the videos you will begin to recognize what really causes relationships to break
down and what is missing in most
relationships.
More importantly, you will see, hear, feel, and learn how to develop
relationship strategies that really work, and ways you can take your
relationship to the next level.
The four key aspects that make a difference to the quality of one’s
relationships includes,
the way conflicts are habitually
handled
how love is constantly nurtured and
developed
the way passion and intimacy is
continually enhanced
the way a partner's unique needs are
understood and satisfied within a
relationship
A bit about
what influences Intimacy &
passion
A missing component in many relationships is intimacy and
passion. What really creates passion in relationships is polarity -
that is the dance between masculine and feminine energies.
By developing your masculine or feminine essence you can increase the level
of passion in your intimate relationship.
For instance, in order to enhance passion some of the best gifts that
a masculine partner can give his feminine partner includes:
providing complete presence and an effort to understand
her needs especially through emotional
times;developing emotional strength and
fitness;practicing the concept of "serve and protect" the best
he can;taking initiative and having purposeful direction in
life; andgiving her his "light and dark"
side.
Some of the best gifts that a feminine partner can give her
masculine partner includes:
openness,radiance,playfullness, love, vulnerability, as well as giving him
her light and dark side.
The second video involves Tony Robbins helping a married couple
dealing with longstanding issues - he coaches the husband to be truly present
in spite of his wife's anger. Especially for men, learning to be "present" is
one of the most valuable and effective ways of creating
trust.
A simple and
important truth about meeting our partners
needs
An important factor that determines the effectiveness of meeting our
partner's needs how we go about meeting our partner's needs.
That is, whether or not we
give to our partner in ways that that will meet their needs,
and not in the way we want those needs met or in the way we think our partner
should have their needs met.
Tony Robbins describes 6 universal human needs which we all have and
attempt to meet but we have unique ways in which we know that the needs are
satisfied.
Understanding
your partners need priorities, unique ways of meeting the needs, and
satisfying those needs will make you an incredible lover and will make a
profound impact in you
relationship.
More about the 6 human needs
latter. As you read the following and watch the videos remember it is
progress not perfection that matters.
Generally, couples are at their best during the initial stages of
their relationships when they feel deep love and passion, and they
automatically seem to focus on meeting their partners needs. Many couples
find that their passion gradually begins to dissipate over time and
consequently they believe that this is a natural part of the process in
intimate relationships.
Fortunately the real truth is that relationships can get better and
more passionate over time or can be rejuvenated. You can make a difference in
you relationship even if you are the only one making
changes.
What
makes this information invaluable
?
My views on relationships have been influenced by authors, speakers,
and/or therapists such as Tony Robbins, Dr. John Gottman, David Deida, and
Michele Weiner-Davis M.S.W. I believe they are among the most proficient
experts who understand the underlying patterns of successful and unsuccessful
relationships, and know ways to shift the disempowering
patterns.
For instance, Dr. Gottman through his years of research and clinical
experience with couples can predict with 90% accuracy whether couples will
divorce or stay together based on the way they dealt with their conflicts and
the way they developed increased love and
friendship.
Below are some important tips on creating a passionate
relationship. I have included videos
(from you tube) of Dr. John Gottman, Michele Weiner-Davis M.S.W., David
Deida, and Tony Robbins.
Remember the important thing is not perfection but
progress, so it doesn't matter where you are at as long as you are making
progress.
OK Fasten Your Seatbelts & Let
the Games Begin
Write Down Your Ideal Relationship
Vision
To begin with write down the type of relationship you really want.
Describe the details of what would have to happen for you to know that you have
a phenomenal loving, passionate, intimate, and fun
relationship.Include the qualities of the person you love or want
to have, and the values and practices important to
you.
Make note of what you will or would like to see, hear, feel, and say
when you achieve your relationship vision.
Also write down your reasons for achieving the relationship you want,
that is, why achieving the relationship you envision is important to you.
Writing down compelling reasons foryour vision makes it more forceful
and provides drive for pursuing it.
Be Honest About Where You Are at Present in Your
Relationship
Regardless of the quality of your current relationship, the good news
is that it is possible to develop even more passion in your
relationship.
An important beginning step is to honestly acknowledge where you are
at in your relationship. This will allow you to make
progress..
Tony Robbins outlines the possible positions you may be at in your
relationship including:
having no
relationship and not wanting one perhaps due to fears or hurts you may
have experienced in the past;
wanting a
relationship but holding back;
wanting to leave
a relationship because it is no longer working
out;
having a
relationship with little love or passion which makes it ok but not good
enough;
having love but
no passion for your partner; or
having a
relationship with phenomenal love and
passion.
One of the main reasons why relationships fail over time is due to
lack of intimacy. This could be a result of gradual buildup from minor
unresolved issues.In the following video Tony and Sage talk about how initial negative
states and needs if not taken care of can build up and can begin to
negatively influence one's perception. This build up leads to resistance,
resentments, feelings of rejection, and finally repression.
Listen to Tony and Sage as they talk about relationship
stressors:
Dispel Harmful Relationship Myths
Many people tend to accept certain myths that pervade society such
as it is normal for couples to lose passion over time and that they cannot
"fall in love" again.
Another myth is that a great relationship has fair “give and take”
pattern to it.
Yet another myth is that it takes two in a couple to work things out
otherwise the relationship is doomed to fail.
The truth is that there are couples who feel even more love and
passion over time.
Also, great relationships have a pattern of giving a 100% (not
50-50) to meet their partner's needs in ways that will meet his or her needs.
Further, one partner can influence changes in their partner by making
appropriate and sustained personal changes.
Remember that it is not lack
of conflicts, differences, or problems that determines the quality of a
relationship because every relationship has conflicts and problems.
The difference lies in the ways you respond to conflicts, the way you meet
your partner’s needs, and the way you continually cultivate your relationship
- in spite of problems and challenges.
It is important to be aware of what really breaks down a
relationship and what strengthens a relationship so you can take preventive
measures and develop ways to deepen your love.
Watch the short video by Michele Weiner-Davis M.S.W as she talks
about ways couples can fall back in love
In the following video Michele Weiner-Davis M.S.W talks about the
situation when only one spouse wants to change a
relationship.
Become Aware of Beliefs, Emotions, and Habitual Responses That
Create Relationship Breakdown
Our emotional states can influence what we focus on and how we
interprete events. For instance, you may notice that when you are angry it is
easier to get upset by little things but when you feel loving it is easier to
tolerate bigger issues.
If either or both partners begin holding negative emotions instead
of dealing with them then the emotions can pile up and influence negative
meaning towards the other.
See the video by Tony and Sage on how our negative emotional states
and misinterpretations as well as disempowering strategies to deal with our
negativity leads to escalation of negativity.
The stacking of negativity leads to lack of commitment. Couples then
use seemingly plausible reasons to justify their lack of
commitment.
Awareness of your negative patterns are important part in
making changes and recommiting to doing your part full out.
Dr. Gottman, as mentioned earlier on, has years of research and
clinical experience with couples. He discovered how habitual patterns in
response to conflict set relationships up for success or failure.
He found specific differences between successful and unsuccessful
couples and called them "Masters" or "Disasters" of
relationships.
Dr. Gottman found 4 negative response patterns which were
consistently present in Disasters of relationships. He calls the 4 responses
“the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” and they are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt,
and Stonewalling.
The first one, Criticism is
expressed as a "defect in the partner",
Defensiveness is a reaction to "ward off
personal attack",
Contempt involves a statement to
indicate superiority and the partners inferiority or "speaking down" to the
partner, and
Stonewalling involves a state of
"withdrawal". Dr. Gottman noted that, in Disasters of relationships
consistent negative responses caused a dramatic rise in negative emotions and
"flooding", and consequent breakdown in love and
passion.
Below are some videos by Dr. Gottman on making your relationships
work.
In the first video he briefly describes his research study with
couples and begins talking about "the Four
Horsemen".
Dr. John Gottman. Making Your Relationship Work Level -
1
Develop Mindset, Emotional States, and Strategies That Will
Attract or Create the Relationship You Want.
This is the most exciting step of all because it puts
responsibility, power, and control in your hands to become the type of lover
who can attract the type of person you want or create the type of
relationship you want. In order to begin making positive changes make it your
priority to learn about the qualities and skills that create phenomenal
relationship.
For instance, one of the most important aspect is to understand your
partner’s needs and explore ways to meet them. Be passionate about finding
out specific ways your partner wants their needs met.
Tony Robbins talks about 6 human needs that everyone attempts to
meet. He emphasizes that each person is unique in the way he or she want
those needs met. The human needs are discussed in the section on Happiness, Fulfillment and
Resiliency.
The other important aspect is to build profound trust and admiration
on an ongoing basis. Remember challenges are part of life and relationships,
and you can use the challenges to enhance your relationship even more.
Profound trust is built during tough situations and not during easy
times.
Decide to love no matter what and make progress towards becoming
loving even if you don't always get the love back at certain times. Learn
ways to create empowering emotional states within yourself so that you can
respond in constructive ways instead of reacting to your partner’s complaints
or negative states.
It is important to recognize that people have a positive intent
underlying their "challenging" behaviors. Your partner may be reacting to an
unmet need when she is upset or she may just be experiencing her ups and
downs.
By understanding and responding to the underlying needs that may be
threatened or that may need attention you will build tremendous trust and
admiration. Becoming skilled at meeting your partner’s needs in ways that
they want satisfied is vitally important in becoming the best lover you can
be and having a lover for life.
In level 2 video of making your relationship work, Dr Gottman
continues to describe the four horsemen and ways Masters of relationships
maximize their attempts to "repair the
interaction" during or after a conflict. The Disasters of
relationships tend to escalate and cause more damage.
Conflicts and hurt are part of any relationships and the difference
lies in the effective process of repair. For instance, Disasters of
relationships will perceive criticism as a personal attack and quickly go on
the defensive by attacking back, whereas Masters of relationships will
utilize criticism by getting a deeper understanding and meeting their
partner's needs.
Further, Dr Gottman explains that Masters of relationshionships
continually build "love
maps" by getting to know their partners goals, dreams,
mission, values, and other things important to the partner; as well they
develop "fondness and
admiration" by looking for what is right and expressing
their appreciation and affection instead of what's wrong.
Dr. John Gottman. Making Your Relationship Work. Level 2
video
In level 3 Dr. Gottman explains how partners usually make
"bids for connection"
to get attention from their partner, through activities such as telling a
story or a joke and so forth. These bids are expressed to meet a certain need
such as need for connection, reassurance, and so forth.
Masters of relationships usually "turn towards" their partners and
pay attention to these bids whereas Disasters of relationships "turn away" by
ignoring or worse "turn against" by expressing annoyance.
According to Dr. Gottman conflicts are normally not only about the
issue being discussed but they have a deeper meaning and history behind it.
Getting the couples to discuss the underlying
"hopes and dreams" within conflicts can be an
opportunity to develop a deeper emotional connection and creating a
"shared
meaning".
Remember
that developinglove maps, fondness
and admiration, and turning towards your partners
bids are skills that can be learned. They serve to enhance
friendship and love, and increase romance and intimacy.
Dr. John Gottman. Making Your Relationship Work. Level 3
Dr. John Gottman. Making Your Relationship Work.
Level 4 (Question-answer period)
Enhance Passion: Appreciate and Develop Your Masculine or
Feminine Essence
In addition to giving your partner what Tony Robbins calls your
"light" side such as your trust, devotion, and love, it is also important to
give them your "dark" side such as mischievousness, playful provocation,
lust, "taking your partner", and so forth.
In order to enhance passion it is vital to accept, appreciate, and
develop your masculine or feminine essence. Everyone has a masculine and
feminine side but most people have an inner core of one or the
other.
Remember that both
masculine and feminine parts within oneself are useful at different times but
when relating to your partner it is important to be more in your core. Love
and friendship can happen between anyone but passion happens as a result of
the difference of masculine and feminine energies.
One way for a masculine partner to demonstrate his energy and
consequently increase trust is to be present when his partner is expressing
her emotions no matter how intense. Get into a state of emotional stength. Be
there with intent to understand and love, and not to change or fix her, feel
her concerns while maintaining strength, and without becoming defensive or
withdrawing. Take it as a challenge to prove that you can be there no matter
what.
Feminine partner can demonstrate their energy by being open to the
masculine effort and show love and affection. They can "complain" in
nonblameful ways that will make it more likely for a masculine partner to be
present. Being sincerely vulnerable or even crying can be a powerful way to
reach a true masculine energy, and is not a sign of weakness as many
believe.
Getting in touch with and practicing your essence can be challenging
at times but extremely rewarding and fulfilling, and requires consistent
practice in spite of setbacks. This is not about faking it to get what you
want but sincerely feeling it, practicing it, and being it for greater
good.
See the following video by David Deida on feminine openness, light,
and intimacy
Develop rituals to get in touch and enhance your essence. For
instance, masculine partner can practice lifting weights, do martial arts,
and so forth and feminine partner can practice wearing a
sexy outfit or undergarment, engage in certain rituals such as dancing,
listening to music and so forth, so you can relax and be more
open.
In your journey and process of developing phenomenal relationship
skills remember to be good to yourself and get back on track if you have a
setback. Remember it is progress not perfection that makes a
difference.
Tony Robbins, in his "ultimate relationship program" talks about
ways and strategies of being committed to living the 10 disciplines of love
including the following: Putting Your Lover First; Loving No Matter What;
Being Yourself: Emanate and Express Your Natural Essence and True Core;
Positive Intent: Eliminate Threats and Judgment and Remember the Power of
Language; Freedom: The Power of Forgiving, Forgetting, and Flooding; Daily
Intimacy & Full Engagement: Open Your Heart and Hold Nothing Back;
Polarity: The Power of Dancing Energies; Loving Truth: The Power of
Vulnerability; Utilization: The Power of Higher Meaning and Constant Growth;
and Gratitude and Giving: Appreciation is the Power.
Watch the following video by Tony Robbins as he talks about his
"Ultimate Relationship Program"
Other books you may find valuable include David
Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man" and Michele Weiner-Davis's "Divorce
Remedy" and "Sex Starved Marriage"